Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Get Real

I have been thinking about it, and I have decided a couple of things in regards to my blog.

Number one: I am writing for three reasons and those reasons are A) Dalton, B) Shelby and C) Garrett (aka: loves of my life), because I want them to know me.  They may not read these words for years...or at all.  It may be their kids that read them.  Regardless, I want the words to exist, because I existed.

Number two: Because I am recording my life for my children, I need to be honest with them.  I'm not perfect, so my words won't be either.  They don't need me to edit my life, to be syrupy sweet, or make everything look like it's coming up roses.  They deserve the truth, warts and all.

Number three:  MY life equals MY perspective.  Because I am telling my side of the story, that's just what it is.  Gavin may have a different perspective (and most likely will), other family members may have a different take on things, and guess what...that's okay.  My personal duty is only to share my thoughts and feelings and leave others to tell their own accounts of their experiences.

Those three revelations are pretty freeing for me because there is this societal norm that I've been bonking my head up against ever since I started blogging, and it says that you should record the pretty version of your life, the version that doesn't make anybody feel uncomfortable...cause heaven forbid if that were to happen.

And a couple times I have drawn outside the lines...where in I have been chastised.  It felt good at the time I was drawing outside the lines, freeing, because I was recording my truth.  But afterwards, when I was paying the consequences of my societal boo boo, it made me scared.  What if my writing caused me to look like a bad person, or made my friends and/or family not love me anymore, or made me look stupid?  Those were pretty heavy prices that I was not willing to pay.  A couple of times I had people chastise me in public on my comments forum, anonymously, which made me wonder who felt this way about me.

Here's the conclusion that I've come to about all of that:  I AM OVER IT.  I am over giving a damn.  Seriously.  I want to reach back in to my past and hug that needing-to-please human that I was.  I want to tell her that if someone didn't approve of her words then their issue was not with her but with themselves.  If someone really cared about me and wanted to give me some good advice, they would have the integrity to sign their name to it.  If they are judging me with the comforts of anonymity, then they are acting out of fear.  And fear is a very powerful weapon.

When I say that "I am over it" it doesn't mean that I don't care about other peoples feelings.  It simply means that my truth is numero uno because I want to teach my children that their truth should be their numero uno.  If we doubt our own feelings and experiences, or try to hide them away or polish them up, it invalidates who we are as human beings.  We must trust ourselves that our truth is precious.  And it's not always going to be pretty, but what will be pretty is the journey.

Looking back on some of my adventures, or misadventures, whether with my kids or my spouse or my family or my friends, I can see my personal growth.  I can see myself stepping out of the mold that I was given, the confine that I was placed in, and expanding to find myself and the roles that work the best for me as a human, a woman, a mother, a friend, a lover, a spouse, a partner, a friend, a child, a sibling, a confidant, a student, a teacher, and a disciple.

So, for you my darling Shelby, Dalton and Garrett, welcome to my journey.  You are enough.

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