Pea Green

On my first day of my Thursday class we had to go around the class room and introduce ourselves.
We each had to say what our past experience in Social Work was. Me: none, unless you count keeping three children alive and not murdering my husband every time I felt the need.

You also had to say where you were from. Me: Utah-Boston-Utah..I wanted to appear worldly and special, and unlike all those weirdos who had never left Utah...oh, my sad little ego.

What year you were in school. Me: Juniorish??...I mean, does it count that I have been in college off and on for over ten years and I remember when UVCC was changing to a state school?

What your academic plans were. Me: saving everyone from themselves. Come on, you need that like I do..right?..come on, tell me I'm not the only one.

And what your favorite class had been up to this point. I said Cuniform Cultures of the Biblical World, and an Abnormal Psyc class, but upon further contemplation, I think that it was a Comparative Politics class that caused me to have racey dreams involving me and the Professor, whom upon completing the class, I realized was not 6 foot 7 and built like a Greek God, but rather was about my height and weight.

As we went around the room, I found that the second each person opened their mouth to introduce themselves, I couldn't hear them. Because instantly MY mind started racing, and my mind was filled with chatter...about what MY thoughts and feelings were about what they were saying.

A pretty girl with long blonde hair and painted toe nails said that she wanted to do Social Work internationally. Oh, and eventually go on to get a PH.D, and I was like, "Oh, no you don't...cause that is MY life's dream, and this world's not big enough for the two of us sweetie!"

And then this really suavely-dressed Asian guy with the best hair I have ever seen, says that he wants to get a joint Masters Of Social Work degree and a Masters Of Public Administration degree...so he can basically go save the world and rewrite all legislation that currently sucks and keeps people in the holes they are in and AGAIN, I was like, "Oh wait...THAT'S the dream I want to have buddy, so YOU can't have it, sorry." And if he would have been blonde and female, I might have killed him on the spot.

And then a woman named Kristen spoke about wanting to work with Veterans...which I have no interest in, so I was like "OK, I can like you." But then she talked about how she was going back to school after having had her kids, and kind of cracked a cute joke about being the oldest one on campus and I was thinking "Wait, that can't be YOUR life, cause that's MY life!" AND she was really pretty with a great tan and great hair, so then I was like "Nevermind, I can't like you...and I want your skin and hair."

So, you see my dilemma...I can only like you if you do NOT threaten me.

Isn't that sad?

I saw it during the introductions in this class, as clear as day.

You have tattoos all over your skin, you're male, and you want to work in drug-rehab..check, you are my new BFF. But, you are female, ambitious, and have a sense of humor...Nope- you're dead to me.

What the?? What is it in me that makes me behave like a lioness on the hunt? That any other creature of my species I view as a direct threat...one who is out to get what I want.

...I mean, it's not completely true, of course. Once I get to know people a bit, that primitive reaction subsides, and I do usually end up befriending the person I originally swore to hate as my bitter arch enemy. And with age, I seem to be getting better...

but then there's yesterday...go figure?

So maybe I am a neanderthal who is still functioning with her primordial brain, but I must say that I have made some good new "mom friends" in the last few months. And it's about flippin time. I mean, really ladies, where have you been hiding? I feel like I have found the lost city of Atlantis. This treasure trove of cool moms. Sometimes I get a little worried, like they might find out how truly uncool and wanting for friends I really am, and reject me on the spot..or vote me off the PTA.. or something terrible. But so far, so good. And they are smart, and beautiful, and wonderful...and maybe I do have it in me to not be so insecure.

So, the other night we GOT TOGETHER AT MY HOUSE. I know...can you believe it? I entertained a group of adults...hooray! And it didn't involve multi-level marketing, hawking kitchen gadgets, or religiousity. And we talked...and we ate...and we talked some more...and we laughed...and oh my gosh-it was orgasmic. I know that these women didn't think of it as much. They all have their groups whom they have been with forever- their high school buddies, their sorority sisters, their college friends. I may have been nothing more than a one-night stand for them...venturing outside their circle. But who the heck cares, because for me it was precious.

And even though they were blonde, a lot of them...and well educated, and smart, and talented, and funny, and are married to hot men with great jobs...even after all that...I still want to be their friends. And deep inside me, I trust that I can be a good, loyal, kind, fun, positive friend who isn't pea green with envy. I can put aside the primordial brain.