to publish, or not to publish

Each night when I am about to blog (spill my guts on all the goo that is floating around in my head so I can get on to thinking about something else already) I wonder...Is this going to be "post-material", or "file-in-the-vault-for-someday-when-I'm-too-old-or-senile-to-care-material"?  Some times I know right off the bat.  Because I am starting the post with the sentence "I want my husband to die right this second" or something about private parts or it's just far too stream-of-consciousness (psycho) that I know right off the bat- the world is not ready for this nugget of treasure.

But sometimes it's iffy.  I try to publish as much as I can.  I don't know why.  I just think honesty is always nice to share...makes the world seem less plastic and more livable. 

So, where was I going with this rant?... so tonight.  My head aches right now.  Physical, painful ache.  It's different than the ache that I can get when I have too many balls in the air.  But to be honest, both of those aches are happening right now.  The ache from the balls in the air is because I have got to do the following tonight:

• write a post on discrimination, citing my textbooks at least twice, which I have the electronic form of, and are a pain for me to try to go back and reference.  That is the one thing about electronic reading that I do not like- taking notes.  I have no idea where in the world that paragraph that I underlined is, cause on a computer it doesn't look any different to me on page 3 than it does on page 333.  I also have to site other student's posts, and they have all kind of sucked, to be honest.  Not that mine have been great either.  Then I have to publish it to webCT.  All of this in the next 2.5 hours or I get timed out of Web CT and my last three posts have been worthless.  But here's to waiting until the 11th hour!...yeah adrenaline.  
• I have to print out the flier that I made for Uintah Elementary to gather feedback about improvements that I would like to see made to our local Laird Park.  I have to take the flier to some copy shop and get 600 fliers made on bright paper, so the parents will notice it and HOPEFULLY fill it out and return it with their students.  I have to get all of this done, and get it back to Uintah by 9:00 AM tomorrow morning, so that they can go in the teacher's boxes in time.
• I have to put together, using word, a flier that shows who Uintah's SCC (shared governance) reps are.  This is somehow extremely painful for me, which is weird because in a past life I used to be pretty creative.  I mean, I would do different fonts and crap like that on the computer all the time.  Now, the idea of using italics about gives me a case of PTSD.  I need to get this creative/informative flier to Marianne, again by 9:00 AM.  Luckily I don't have to make copies, but it's going to be a crap-load of cutting and pasting.
• I need to email Britney about New Families Night (this is the PTA president to find out about an upcoming school activity...upcoming as in in 2 days) that I am supposed to get volunteers for.  
• I need to email Lori about the Recycling reminder, where they want two people in the lunch room on (what day I can not remember) to remind the kids how to recycle.  
• I need to send out a parent email about soccer practice that starts tomorrow, where I am coaching Shelby's team of 8 7 year old girls.  I was supposed to change the field location...didn't do it.  Do I do it now, risk having people go to the wrong field? 
• Email Shauna and Marianne at the school to let them know I won't have info in the flier, but the separate sheets for the teacher's boxes.

I think that's it for tonight.

Tomorrow here's what I need to do:

• buy my last textbook I have been waiting for, which means I have to drag Garrett up to the campus bookstore, which is about as fun as a needle in the eye.  
• walk Shelby to school in the morning..her and her friends.  This comes before the campus bookstore.
• read a chapter in my statistics textbook
• see if the Wasatch Hollow clean up activity would work for the U SMILE activity for the last Friday in September.
• call the manager at Harmon's to see what she thinks about adopting the school that is a block from their new store in addition to the one that they have already adopted that is four blocks away, and has WAY more money coming in to it.  
• Email the Yalecrest Community Council Chair to tell him that I am doing this.
• Post the Yalecrest Community Council agenda on Facebook.
• schedule an appointment with the Social Work advisor to get in to see the guy that is over the BSW program.
• text Dalton's guitar teacher to see if he can have his lesson moved to Monday and see if he and his buddy Miles can have their lessons back to back.
• Do my laundry.
• pick up Dalton and his buddies after school.
• Have Gavin or I take him to lacrosse practice.
• call the vein institute to reschedule my ultrasound for the umpteenth time.  

What would be NICE to do tomorrow, but it won't get done is:

• schedule an appointment with the dentist, before my teeth fall out.
• go to the Social Security office to apply for a replacement card so that I can wait two weeks to get it, and then go to the Driver's license office to get a new driver's license.
• talk with Gavin about our car that we need to turn in because the lease is due, and what we should do...buy it, or buy a new car, or lease a new car.  All options kind of suck because I hate making a car payment.

So it is for these reasons that my head aches in the way that it often can.  And until I start checking shiz off my list, I am not going to feel calm.  But then there is this new ache tonight.  I just rubbed the bejezus out of my eyeballs, so that helped a little, but the ache comes from the crying I did earlier....damned my eyes.  The second I even think about feeling sad they swell up like the Goodyear blimp.  And then the headache follows.

I was sad because Gavin and I were communicating in what looked like a reenactment of "Who's on first, Who's on second?"  I mean, are we freaking three years old?  And I was all sad because I was like, "Well, I guess I have to hate him because he's a moron."  And then I was trying to figure out why he was acting like a moron.  (I was saving the self-evaluation of why I was a moron for later).  And in to my mind came the image of him as a three year old...which wasn't hard because I have the three year old version of him with me 24/7 as my baby son Garrett.  

And I am imagining Garrett with these issues that are bugging me with Gavin...and I am seeing how tough it is to be grown up and act grown up all the time.  I just had a complete change of heart where I felt utter compassion for Gavin and understanding on why he communicated the way that he did, instead of the way that I want him to.  He is doing the best that he can.  So of course, I am crying because the thought of Garrett having those communication obstacles, and feeling sadness about it, just about tears my heart out of my chest, so it made me feel sorrow for the expectations I've had of Gavin.

Ugh...sitting on a park bench in east Salt Lake, looking down at the valley.  Probably looking like a mentally ill person who needs to be carted away as I blubbered in to my Kneader's turkey, avocado and bacon sandwich, with my brownie on the side.  Good food with a good cry...doesn't get much more therapeutic than that.  

So, I had some eye opening thoughts about other things, and had to blubber a little more.  But then I paid the price because for the rest of the afternoon I looked like I'd been punched in the eyes, as my head continued to ring with a massive head ache.

Then I had to drive to my parent's house to pick up the kids, who had spent the night down there last night.  And this is where I will probably decide to stop publishing.  Maybe I'll publish the previous strand of crazy.  But unfortunately I can't publish crazy when it has to do with my family.  I've been screwed by doing that already.