Sunday, April 25, 2010


I belong to a book group. And the women are intelligent and independent, and witty, and some of us have been known to have the mouths of sailors; which isn't really a crime. I mean, who cares? It's not like we are spelling out profanities to children or are having the words tattooed on our foreheads.

Did you know that the origin of most "swear words" is really quite interesting? Like, for instance, the word "shit" comes from when poop used to be a hot commodity (pun intended). It was used as fuel, and was transported across the ocean in barrels, to be sold. However, due to the methane gasses, and the fact that when the containers got wet they would explode, they labeled the containers S.H.I.T. or Store High In Transit. So really, why do we give a shit about that? I mean- we are talking about poop, or storing poop. What's the big deal?

OK, so I am setting this up. And I wasn't going to do this. But this experience just happened in my life, so I am going to talk about it, because I am not about hiding. Plus I think that my kids will laugh till they pee when they get older and read this.

So, my book group was sending out emails with witty banter in between book groups, like we tended to do, and they kept using an old email list. I needed to get their attention, so I emailed all the women with the subject line Re: THE REAL EFFING BOOK GROUP LIST YOU MORONS. And this is what the book group got back:

Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2010 16:56:47 -0600

Here's what I think. and I'm not going to hold back like I usually do with this.

You people need to stop self censoring!! "Effing?" Just say The Real F**KING Book Group! We're adults! We can talk however we want to and no one will get grounded for it!! I promise!

As for the numbers......I think maybe a waiting list and when we set up a date, we need to RSVP. Well not really respond if you please, but more like respond or else. So, that we have a number of people who can't come and we can fill in with the subs list. If people really want to come, they'll cram the book in in a week.....I mean, let's face it, half of you guys do that anyway even given a month's notice (name censored). If people don't RSVP and then don't show.....dump em.......unless they got into a car accident on the way or something....we can make allowances.......

I'm ok with the miss three meetings thing, but the rub on that is that the dammed times have to be a bit more consistent and not so fluidly changing. Actually, it wouldn't's not like I'm not coming because I have planned something else on these's my SOBs bday! What can I do?! Seriously, though, I could easily have planned my NY trip another time had I's not a fun's a family obligation trip....I'd happily have put it off another week! Especially, for The Help. there's my quarter's worth.

(Signed K****)

So I email everyone in my book group back with this:

Sounds good to me you elitist snobs!

And K****, it's not that I don't like the word f**k. I mean, who doesn't? After my fall from grace, I could not get enough of the word. Ask Gavin, he was usually the recipient. But it just felt so freeing to shout a good F**K whenever you pleased. Instead of Freak, or Fetch, or Flip, or Fart, or any one of twenty other pretend expletives that begin with the letter F.

So yes, f**k is a fave. I am not one to censor either. However, I do love to put EMPHASIS on things. Which is why so often I will use CAPS or italics or emoticons or exclamation marks!!!! And another way to emphasize something is to draw it out. So f**k is a f**k. But EEFFFFING gives you the elongated version. However, in the future, I will say F***KING. Or maybe I won't. I seriously like how EEEFFFFING just rolls off the tongue. Almost as nicely as Fetch.



Of course, my F words didn't have stars going through them when I sent my email. But here's where it gets really interesting. So, I wanted to make up an invite to a school meeting that I was helping to host, and needed to build an email list. I decided to start with my book group. There's an impassioned group of women that would probably want to help out! Next I added some people from my neighborhood, and ward, the bishop, some old friends I hadn't talked to in a while. And then I typed up the invite and hit send. The problem was that I hadn't erased the original thread. So they got these two emails at the end of the invite, with about eight other back and forth F bomb exchanges between various members of the group.

I have never had a response to an email I that I sent come back to me so fast. Within two minutes I had neighbors emailing me saying that this group sounded EFFING fun! A couple of them asked if they could join. A few called to offer their condolences, as if someone I knew had died. Maybe it would have been that grave to them- that they would rather die than be associated with the word f**k.

But the funny thing is that when you dissect that word, it's just a word. It means sex. The way that we were using it, I guess it meant energy. And are either of those a bad thing? Because I blind CC'd everyone, I couldn't pull up who I'd sent it to, so I couldn't try to undo the damage. But oh well- should I really give a f**k about it anyways? If you can't have a good laugh about this, what the EFFF can you laugh about?

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