Some days I really care. I am really fired up. And then I get a C- on a paper that I spent a half of an eternity on, and I think, "Well to hell with it all". I mean, how is it possible that I am THAT bad of a writer? I get that I write like I am a wind-up toy, in one long run on sentence, that never seems to end. I get that I am all over the place with my writing. But a C freaking minus?!...isn't that the grade that they give to the kid who wrote it in crayon? I just don't understand how it is possible that eighteen year old Joe Shmoe in the class, who can't connect three words together to make a coherent thought, can get a B, and I get a C-. I kind of want to die, slash, kill my teacher. I mean, I want to be a better writer..but throw me a flippin bone! I am going to go in to deep depression over this.
So, this was last week, or the week before. And now I get to do the rewrite. But the problem with me is that I am in a funk where I am just pissed off. I am pissed off because my TA in my Government class asks me how I think I did on the exam when I turned it in to him this morning. And I have to admit, I felt pretty good. I knew the majority of the material on both essay questions, but decided to answer the first one, because I felt like I could be more broad in my answer. He asks me "How many cases did you site?" I, still feeling cocky, answer "three". He tells me, "You should have come to the study session. Because I told the students that came that they needed to cite at least eight case studies." WHAT THE FREAK?! Did you also give them the location of the Holy Grail, the formula for turning water in to wine, and the fetching location of the alien space ships that are responsible for the crop circles?!
He tells me that I should have come to the study session. Well No-shmuck-Sherlock, but how the heck was I supposed to know that only your group of study buddies were going to be privileged to the full details of what was needed for a good grade on the essay questions? I mean, was there more? Did you tell them that for an A, they had to have their answers written with a mechanical pencil of .07 mm, part their hair on the left side, and that their little i's should be dotted with hearts? I mean, for heaven's sake! When the flippin question says NOTHING, nada, about how many cases to site, and the professor never mentioned it in class, how the crap am I supposed to know that? Good night. Really. So, my confidence in that exam just flew straight out the window. Again, so some shmuck who has not come one day to class, and participated, and sat through lectures that drone on and on with power points that are just out of focus enough to give you a mid grade headache, but who show up to that 45 minute study group are going to walk away with an A on the test because they had the magic 8 ball that told them "site 8 cases". While I, miss-I-ACTUALLY-KNOW-THIS-CRAP-AND-PLAN-TO-USE-IT, will get some cruddy grade.
So yes, I am currently in a state of I-HATE-SCHOOL-AND-I-WANT-IT-ALL-TO-DIE. I am sure I will pop out of this mood. But the unfortunate thing is I have no time, because I have to churn it out for another flippin test that I have to take by 5:00 PM tonight. Oh, why can't I just take the gosh dang professor out for a bite, and we can talk shop and I can woo him with my knowledge of the subject? Does it REALLY matter that I know that in the case of Buckley v Valeo, the verdict of that case allowed blah, blah, blah? I mean, couldn't I wow you with how quick I could look that detail up on my IPhone?..I mean, if I had an IPhone, which I don't..cause I have this Verizon P.O.S. that I want to throw in the river because they are charging me through the nose, and the Internet sucks, and it is probably giving me a brain tumor because my head is hot after I hang up from a five minute call. Those Verizon Bastards. You see, right now I am blaming Verizon for my frustrations, which means I am using them as a "scapegoat". I have transferred my feelings of frustration on to something that is unrelated. That is a term I learned in my Sociology class, and I better flippin get that answer right on the test, or I am going to pull a "hate crime" (another one of the terms from this test) and have my kitten go barf all over every one of my Professor's and TA's beds. Yes, that would serve them right.
I am so sorry you got a bad grade! You are an excellent writer. I am sure your rewrite will kick butt.
Hang in there. The things you are describing are the things that made me absolutely crazy and insane while getting my degree, so you are NOT alone. There were quite a few times in my college career that I became frustrated about how the professors and TA's had this attitude that they were so amazing "how dare you question my tactics". But I couldn't resist, I would question and protest :-/. I mean for example how was it acceptable for them to show up late with no repercussions but if we missed a class we were punished. We are all adults. I used to find comfort in telling myself that if they were in the private-sector/non-tenured teaching world, they would NEVER survive. LOL. Childish I know. But it helped.
Don't let some of these messed up things get you down. Find comfort in the fact that you know the topic. Because that is what will matter after you are done.
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