Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New Year

I have not written for a long time. I am in danger of exploding. Really. If I don't get the thoughts out they just stay in my head. Stay there..and multiply..like what are those little furry things that grow when you put water on them and they go from being really cute to like sucking your face off your head?...Gremlins..yes. I have one million gremlins roaming about my head right now. They are driving me nuts. I am close to tears. For no reason other than I haven't gotten my words out in a long time, and now I can't even talk. I can't even think. I just want to wash them out of my head in the form of salt water. And while every thing is great. Really..there is nothing..not ONE thing that is even wrong with my life. It's just life. And some times even that seems like a little too much. Can't I just pause the clock. Write a To-do list that I can sit and look at for about twenty four hours, planning how I will get every single blasted thing on that list done before I am dead, before two thousand other things throw themselves at me? I need a pause button sometimes. I want to be more honest.

And some people would think, god no, do NOT be more honest. Whatever you do, be less honest. Say less, say it prettier, and less messy, and more feel-goodish. But it's getting harder and harder for me. I am not that person anymore. So even when I am typing, I find myself having to go back and edit. So that my words will make people feel more comfortable. As if I am typing this for them...living my life for them? Who are "them" anyways? I need to get over it. What do I fear? That I will lose a friend?..that people will think badly of me? Why do I care? Why do I care? I am asking this because I do care. I still freaking care, and I hate it that I care. I want to be loved by everyone. Oy...can I just get over that need already? Can I just be true to myself? Can I just stop walking that invisible line already? Wanting to please everyone. Perpetually.

I just want to exist with purpose. But sometimes I just exist. And I feel guilty. Isn't that weird...that I feel guilty for just existing. As if each day should be one grand accomplishment after another. I feel guilty for not visiting my Grandma. I feel guilty for not wanting to visit her. I feel guilty for not doing math on the side with Dalton..or reading him the classics...or praying with him. I feel guilty for wanting a bigger home...for wanting a sweet kitchen...for wanting, wanting, wanting. I feel guilty for wanting my kids to love me more than my mother. I feel guilty for not wanting to see my mother. I feel guilty for wanting a new nose. Not a radically different nose. Just my sister's nose that I could have gotten in the genetic lottery..after all it is all the same DNA I possess in my body. She just got the smaller version of mine.

To be honest..there is a lot of stuff that I used to feel guilty about, that I really could care less about now. And that's nice. I won't go in to it in detail...but I would wager that it has probably added about five years to my life span, considering all the stress I am saving my heart from having to endure.

As I type this, I am wondering if I am going to publish it. I intended to write tonight as a cathartic measure..just to get it out. Start the process of purging my rambling thoughts. And while this is certainly personal, and embarrassing...maybe I don't care. Maybe that is what everyone is deep down...personal and embarrassing. We'll see.

So, my New Year's resolutions. I mean..I still have one hundred Christmas posts to do..and half my Christmas cards to mail out for crying out loud. But what the hey...tomorrow is New Year's Eve. This year I would like to have balance. I would like to be like the Zen queen. To be honest..if I were being honest..I would say that I would like to be in control of everything in 2010. Every aspect of my life...of the Universe-I would like to have it all under my control. I know...I am setting myself up for disappointment. So..let's get real.

I would like to chill the fetch out. I would like to only blow a gasket if there is some life altering catastrophe. Otherwise I would like to be able to take a deep breath and smile and see whatever's happening in proportion to the grand scheme of things. I have issues with this one..that go way back. But I have a whole year to dive in to that one, and psychoanalyze myself. This upcoming year I would like to invest my time in my friends, and my family. I would like to watch really good TV and movies. A lot of it. All the foreign, indie, wonderful stuff that I have missed in my life..I would really like to see that. On the flip side..I would also like to get more sleep, since I am considerably more kind when I am well-rested. So..not sure how I am going to pull both of those off. I would like to read the New York times every day.. Learn how to play chess.. Start yoga..Work out.. Walk outside.. Connect to nature..Enroll Dalton in guitar..Shelby in Spanish..Garrett in baby-boot-camp...

..VOL-UN-TEER.. Read..holy mother of the Easter bunny...I could read until my eye balls pop out of my head. Just saying the word makes me numb. Read. Read. Read. Yes. This year I will read really great books and discuss them with really wonderful people.

And I will listen. Oooh..isn't that a good one. What if this year I learned how to listen? How to shut the motor off in my head when someone else was talking and really listen? I could LEARN. I could see things from other points of view. What if I didn't need affirmation by flapping my gums? What if I just asked wonderful questions of all of the people around me...and drank it all in. WHAT IF!?

What if I had a lot more sex? What if we had as much sex as my husband wanted? Wouldn't that be the Christmas miracle. Forget if I have shaved..or am on my period..or haven't showered for three days..or haven't brushed my teeth..or am so tired that my eyelids won't open. What if I just had sex like an animal? Not that I am saying that I will do this. But it is an interesting thought. What if I had no sex? What if we just spooned...and talked...and brushed each other's hair? That could be interesting. Okay...now I know that I am not publishing this. I am delirious. Because..of course I have fifty more blasted, stinking, freaking, ****ing Christmas cards to mail. And wash to do..and other crap...

Maybe in the new year I will just do things. And I won't dread them..those things I normally dread. Maybe I will not need lists, and internal motivational pep talks to force me to do mundane chores that make me want to yank my hair out of my head strand by strand. Yes..that is a good resolution. And here's to honesty...which is why I am going to publish this post. Because as nuts as it is..it was in my head..and so it's the truth...and the only thing nuttier than that is pretending it doesn't exist.

4 comments:

The Sandy Bottom Crew said...

Thank you for publishing this. I needed it. I feel the same way! Why should we lose ourselves to make everyone else happy? Who cares but us? Why do i care so much about what others think? I am over it!

Jared and Delia said...

I understand the whole fretting about everything and making it that much more frustrating than it might have been had I not made everything into a mountainous issue. I am going to work on not worrying so much and just doing it too.

Our new blog is:

www.establisheddec2002.blogspot.com

Thanks for your card! Happy New Year.

Erin said...

love your honesty and i loved your christmas card, thank you. funny how you want a new nose, i really always thought you and your sister were absolutely perfect and was jealous of you both for having everything.

Elizabeth said...

Yeah I'm all for a bit more honesty in both the real and blogging world...
your posts are fantastic!