Thursday, September 17, 2009


Oy. Where to begin? I had a hard time leaving Salt Lake. Honestly, I thought that there was about a 50/50 chance that my Mom was going to kill one of my kids. Not on purpose...on accident. Let Shelby ride without a helmet, leave Garrett in the bath unattended for five seconds, or give the kids the lethal amount of sugar that would put them over the edge and into a sugar-induced coma- from whence they would never return. To my relief, they are all still alive.

Another fear is that I would die on the plane ride over. I am not scared of planes. Not even really bothered by turbulence. But obviously it's a bit of a risk. It's not like planes have NEVER crashed. And any chance for death, can cause me to get a bit panicky. More than that though, is the thought of BOTH Gavin and I dying on the plane ride home, since we are both flying out of New York (which is where we are headed after Boston) together. That causes me severe heart palpitations. Because honestly, there is no one that can take our places. There are some good stand-in's but no one that I feel is up to par. (surprise, surprise).

I mean, no offense to all those that we love, but how can you possibly know that when Garrett screams at the fridge at a pitch that is so high you think that only the dogs must be able to hear it, what he is wanting is not what's inside it, but the Pirate's Booty that is on top...unless he wants a half of an otter pop that's on the freezer side.

And how could you possibly know that at bed time the kids like to do affirmations, where I sit on their bedside and they repeat after me that "I am wonderful"..."I am kind"..."I have a lot of friends"..."I am beautiful"...and so on. How could anyone know that we dance every afternoon to "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix A Lot, and when he says "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hon!", they are convinced it says "Your Aunt's in a can and you got a bun!"...Yes, that IS what he is saying my little love buns.

How could anyone know about all the weird and wonderful things that make our family OURS? How could they know that Dalton likes an asiago bagel sandwich for his school lunch in the morning, and that you have to toast the bagel, but not the top half because then the cheese that is on the bagel will look too dark brown (not burnt, but the cousin of burnt- which is almost as bad).

How could you know that Shelby likes to eat the ham rinds that are left over from the ham that Garrett eats for breakfast. And that she loves to play in "grown-up" jewelry and then dress her stuffed animals in it. And that her best dream in the whole world is for Mom to have a sleepover with her every night.

How will you know that when Garrett runs out the front door, he is instinctively going to try to throw the soccer ball in to the street, because he thinks it is so hilarious that every time you have to walk out there and retrieve it..and secretly in his little heart he hopes that one day he will just muster up enough chutzpah to run out there on his little ham-hocks and get it himself. Although he fears for his speedy death from his mother if he does it right now, so he just stands on the sidewalk and dreams.

I know that my brother would be excellent with the kids. He actually knows me better than anyone. But doesn't that just sound like a dream for a single 25 year old guy, to inherit three kids, and become an insta-dad?

And my sister- oh how I love that girl. But she has her own stuff goin on, and again- she is single. Not sure that three kids in tow is going to score her the man of her dreams. As soon as she does find Mr. Right, (of if she ever decides to quit looking for him) then she is numero uno.

And Gavin's family...oh, they are gems. The very definition. But they live out-of-state. And I worry about uprooting the kids after a trauma. So, there is one choice left- my Mother...oy. Did I say oy, I meant OY.

She is in every sense of the word, the PERFECT grandmother. And I mean it. She was meant for the job. They don't know that the word "NO" is even a part of her vocabulary...because she's never used it with them. She is like a fairy princess and a fairy godmother and Santa all rolled in to one package of perfectly coiffed hair, and long black lashes.

And for a little bit I agonized over leaving them with someone who could not say "NO". I mean doesn't every kid need boundaries? But then, Gavin and I were talking about it, and I figured that if the kids lost both he and myself, then maybe a fairy princess who never says "NO", is just what they need for a Mother.

So, it's to her that they go. Just don't tell them that, or they may wish for our plane to make a quick nose dive.
On a side note, if only I were to know- get run over by a Clydesdale or a moped on Fifth Avenue, I talked to Gavin about what he would need to do. He told me that he would go back to work after a while, and hire a nanny, to which I replied, "Over my dead body". To which he said that was a moot point, but I told him that I would haunt him for eternity and make him go bald if he did that. I told him that he had my blessing to remarry, and right away. But she had to be wonderful with the kids, and fat and homely...and they had to have separate beds. Just kidding.(kind of). I told him that I wanted to be stuffed. I wanted him to prop me in the living room, and that all the kids had to give me a high five before they left every morning. Shelby could sleep with me, like a stuffed animal. And Dalton could have my fake tooth, to put on a necklace like a shark's tooth.

OK, so this post was supposed to be about my wonderful day in Boston. But I will blog about the passionate lover of mine, that is Boston, tomorrow.


Chip and Lisa said...

Are you in Boston??? I just got back on yesterday!!! Chip surprised me with a long weekend trip. Could we really have been there again at the same time? I LOVE that city so much with just the best memories of you!!! Write me when you get home and tell me all about it.

Jared and Delia said...

Ha ha! Thanks for the peek inside your head. You are hilarious! I love the fun quirks your shared about your family. You can tell you really love them.