Glad to no longer be pregnant...
However, there are a few
Things I had forgotten:
Things I had forgotten:
- The uncomfortable sleep of pregnancy is 100 times better than the NO sleep you get with a newborn.
- The inconvenience of having to weed out every decent tasting thing in your diet (chocolate, Indian food, etc..) to avoid the dreaded gas it will give your newborn from your breast milk.
- The only pain that compares to a labor contraction is a breastfeeding contraction, accompanied by the feeling that your nipple is being ripped off your body by the tiny jaws of death.
- There is nothing more precious than TIVO at 3:00 a.m. when you are up bouncing a fussy baby, so you have other options than QVC and Telumundo for shows to take your mind off the fact that you are up at 3:00 a.m. bouncing a fussy baby.
- The rocker is worthless, and someday you are going to invent a human bouncer. The only way to get a bubble out of a fussy newborn is to practically leap into the air over, and over and over again. And not until your calves ache, will the bubble come out (usually at the same time you are bursting in to tears from exhaustion).
- When they said that a newborn eats every 2-3 hours, what they forgot to tell you is:
- that your newborn will fall asleep at your breast 10 times during a feeding, forcing you to tickle him, rub your boob all over his face, and do all other manner of ridiculous things in order to speed up the process so the feeding doesn't take a full 2 hours.
- your newborn will need to be burped 4-5 times in the process of the feeding, otherwise he will do one of two things A) erupt like a volcano, loosing all the milk he just took in, or B) store up 1,000 bubbles to torment you at 3:00 in the morning with the most gosh-awful wails you have ever heard.
- After you have fed, burped and changed your newborn it will have taken a full hour and thirty minutes, so you have just enough time to change your soaked breast pads and maxi pad before another feeding begins in 30 minutes.
- Your newborn will NOT sleep if you are in a one-mile radius. They will sniff you out like a blood hound, and then go all woody-woodpecker on you, butting their little heads in to your clavicle bone, until you relent and whip out the boob.
- Your sense of smell is completely lost after giving birth, otherwise you would do something about the fact that you wreak like sour milk, b.o. and other substances too gnarly to mention.
- Murphy's Law says that your friend that you have not seen in over a year will drop by to congratulate you on the baby at the EXACT moment your toddler has thrown herself on the floor in an all-out tantrum, your baby has had a blow-out that goes out the diaper, up his back, out of his outfit, all over your clothes, and on to the floor, where the cat happens to be laying, on day 3 of no showers for you, at 4 in the afternoon when you still have not brushed your teeth for the day, or opened the shades.