Saturday, June 07, 2008

The forgotten joys of a newborn

Glad to no longer be pregnant...
However, there are a few
Things I had forgotten:
  • The uncomfortable sleep of pregnancy is 100 times better than the NO sleep you get with a newborn.
  • The inconvenience of having to weed out every decent tasting thing in your diet (chocolate, Indian food, etc..) to avoid the dreaded gas it will give your newborn from your breast milk.
  • The only pain that compares to a labor contraction is a breastfeeding contraction, accompanied by the feeling that your nipple is being ripped off your body by the tiny jaws of death.
  • There is nothing more precious than TIVO at 3:00 a.m. when you are up bouncing a fussy baby, so you have other options than QVC and Telumundo for shows to take your mind off the fact that you are up at 3:00 a.m. bouncing a fussy baby.
  • The rocker is worthless, and someday you are going to invent a human bouncer. The only way to get a bubble out of a fussy newborn is to practically leap into the air over, and over and over again. And not until your calves ache, will the bubble come out (usually at the same time you are bursting in to tears from exhaustion).
  • When they said that a newborn eats every 2-3 hours, what they forgot to tell you is:
  1. that your newborn will fall asleep at your breast 10 times during a feeding, forcing you to tickle him, rub your boob all over his face, and do all other manner of ridiculous things in order to speed up the process so the feeding doesn't take a full 2 hours.
  2. your newborn will need to be burped 4-5 times in the process of the feeding, otherwise he will do one of two things A) erupt like a volcano, loosing all the milk he just took in, or B) store up 1,000 bubbles to torment you at 3:00 in the morning with the most gosh-awful wails you have ever heard.
  3. After you have fed, burped and changed your newborn it will have taken a full hour and thirty minutes, so you have just enough time to change your soaked breast pads and maxi pad before another feeding begins in 30 minutes.
  • Your newborn will NOT sleep if you are in a one-mile radius. They will sniff you out like a blood hound, and then go all woody-woodpecker on you, butting their little heads in to your clavicle bone, until you relent and whip out the boob.
  • Your sense of smell is completely lost after giving birth, otherwise you would do something about the fact that you wreak like sour milk, b.o. and other substances too gnarly to mention.
  • Murphy's Law says that your friend that you have not seen in over a year will drop by to congratulate you on the baby at the EXACT moment your toddler has thrown herself on the floor in an all-out tantrum, your baby has had a blow-out that goes out the diaper, up his back, out of his outfit, all over your clothes, and on to the floor, where the cat happens to be laying, on day 3 of no showers for you, at 4 in the afternoon when you still have not brushed your teeth for the day, or opened the shades.


Sara said...

Thanks for keeping it real. I can always count on you for that....I'm so impressed you can do this with 2 other children. WOW! Hang in there, I guess other mothes seem to survive....somehow.

Mandy said...

Amen! Ashley you had me in tears I was laughing so hard. This is all too close to home since Lily was born 6 months ago. There are still days that I don't want to open my blinds in fear that the neighbors will see that I am still in my PJs. Hang in there. As you know, it does get better. Plus nothing is like cuddling with a newborn. They grow way to quickly and start moving and that is the end of cuddling so enjoy it in your sleep deprived state!

Anonymous said...

So funny! I was just compiling my own little list of all the things I had forgotten about having a new baby. Your list was pretty good!!

Hang in there!


Kimberly said...

Oh, Ashley! Your writing brings vivid pictures into my mind. No words of wisdom from me, just wanted to let you know if it was me had been at the door I would have cleaned up the cat/floor/baby while insisting you go have a shower while I feed your angry daughter something sweet, unhealthy and joy inducing. :-)

Hope the transition goes as smoothly as it can, and that you and your new little guy will have some tender moments at 3am to help you get through those rough ones.

When you can travel again without the idea of poking out your own eyes, you guys should come to Ireland!

heather telford photography said...

exactly what i have been doing for the past 6 weeks!! your hilarious! thank goodness for tivo!!

kathy said...

The third child was a BIG transition for me...I was just more tired. Good Luck and hang in there!! Things get better and the baby stage ends too fast. (I can say that now that my baby is 18 months.)

Anonymous said...

Too true, too true! Especially the leaping in the air to get the burps out...really, who needs to schedule time to work out with a new baby on your hands? You get all the work out you need burping, feeding, etc.

And the people showing up to visit? I thought it was downright nervy when someone tried to come over before noon a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't even answer the door, I was so not ready to see anyone.

Thanks for a good laugh!

Tera said...

Wonderful wonderful wonderful. New babies are such a precious gift. I know it is hard now, but one day not too far into the future you will look back on these memories with gratitude and peace and they will bring a smile to your face just as you have brought a smile to mine. Each moment is precious...especially the quiet ones. :-)

Nicole Hansen said...

You're too funny! Okay, so it's a little rough. Hang in there girl! So Danielle has now joined the mommy club too! Cute little McKay was born Tuesday morning, mom is doing fine.

Kristen said...

Ha Ha! That is so funny! We sure do love our precious sleep in our family that's for sure!

Chip and Lisa said...

I love it!!! You have put so many mothers thoughts and feelings in a wonderful humorous precious way. That is the wonderful part of motherhood- they will never understand until they have children themselves. You've got a great way of writing.

Kristen said...

TR just read this and said, "Ew Gross!" He liked it though.

Sarah-sponda said...

Oh Ash, I love and miss your sense of humor! On the cat! I love it. Your family is so cute, and Garrett is adorable. Thanks for the note on my blog:)