This year I would love to tie up loose ends. This year I would love to be more calm. This year I would love to wake up earlier. This year I would love to be more strong. This year I would love to connect to nature. This year I would love to read with my kids more. This year I would love to loose my fear. This year I would love to let go and move forward. This year I would love to entertain friends and family in my home. This year I would love to write. This year I would love to accept my limits. This year I would love to be happy, content, forgiving, and accepting of myself and others.
I am grateful for my three children. I am grateful for my health and the health of my family. I am grateful for my quality of life. I am thankful for Gavin and how hard he works to provide for us. I am grateful for lessons that I've learned that have altered my path in life and opened my eyes. I am grateful for friendships, both old and new. I am grateful that I can finally let go of relationships that no longer fulfilled me.
2012 feels like a bit of a kick in the pants. Tragedies across the globe seemed to hit closer to home than ever. The suffering of someone across the world nicked my heart if only for a moment. As soon as I'd recovered from the first sting, news of more suffering would tear back open the wound, so that it felt that there was never a reprieve from the assault on humanity. Just as wrenching as the victim's grief, was the knowledge that other humans were the ones oppressing and afflicting. Hope was lost in humanity, and that was devastating.
Personally, I had to let go of the notion that once a friend, always a friend. I had to re-examine what the word "friend" even meant. I was forced to accept that some people don't like me. And that's okay. I shouldn't try to change myself to try to win them over. Some people like who I used to be. And that is fine. I can't force them to accept me, and how I will adapt and change over my life. Quality over quantity is what I've come to accept. And once I let go of old ties that no longer served me, I opened myself up to sweet, and very fulfilling friendships that have mended old wounds and lifted me up. I've had my faith renewed in humanity because of these dear friendships.
I would love to return to school this year. I would love to learn and constantly be rubbing shoulders with other people who love learning as much as I do.
There is a constant sadness that exists in the far reaches of my soul. One day I would like to address it, but until I have the emotional energy, I just leave it out of reach, on that high, dusty shelf, acknowledging that it exists but recognizing that with every rainbow comes a cloud. Maybe it's the price I pay for my reality. Maybe it's always been there, it's just that I am finally conscious.
The joy still outweighs the sadness. Or at least it does in most moments of most days. And a large part of it comes from my children and the humans that they are becoming. Their personalities, accomplishments, journeys, and relationship with me are the single greatest joy in my life. I had no idea they could cause me such happiness.
Life is a lot of things. But it is also very good.
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