Dumb dog

OK, I know that what I am about to admit will make many people officially hate me. Because in this world you are either a lover or a hater. And there really are no in-betweeners. I thought I was an in-betweener. But as of late...I think I am a hater. So to all the lovers out there..I am sorry. But I can't force what just isn't there. I am talking about DOGS. Gosh, I wish I did love them. But oh my lord how they drive me nuts. I blame it on my parents (of course) because I was not raised with dogs...ev-er. Only cats. And the cats are a story in and of themselves. But I was never around dogs. I don't remember neighbors with dogs, or friends with dogs.

And now, here I am living in Dogville. Really. Everyone and their dog, has a dog. And they all walk down my street EVERY day. They walk down my street because it is the easiest way to get to the neighborhood park where they take their dogs to run and play and...oh who are we kidding- they take them there to take a dump. I know, it's gross, don't blame me. I told you, they bug me. So, the whole dog-walking-past-your-house-a-thousand-times-a-day isn't that big of a deal. I mean, until some numbnut dog decides that he just can't hold it for ten more houses, and decides to take a dump on my lawn. Yeah thanks. Thanks for that. That's just what my lawn needed, a nice coating of dung for my baby to play in. And I know you took out your little orange bag, but I still have a 1/8 inch layer of feces on my lawn, and Murphy's Law says that that's the spot that Shelby will sit in, or the baby will land face down in when he is running around the lawn today. So thanks for that.

It seems like there are two different types of dog owners too: Those that are aware of the fact that their dog is an animal, and live in a land I like to call reality. And those that are under the impression that their dog is a human...that it is a furry slobbery human, that should be treated like a mentally retarded child.

Now, if these people were reading this post, they would be offended. Because I am not insulting their pet, I am insulting a member of their family. And that is uncalled for. And to them I say, "Sorry. Your dog is an AN-I-MAL...and it bugs me."

Why does it bug me?

• First off, the dog should be on a leash AT ALL TIMES. I know that you think it's cute when your dog bolts over to me, and proceeds to excitedly burrow his head into my crotch, sniffing and licking about. Yeah, that's the image that comes to mind when I hear the word "cute" too. But really, if I were in the mood for that action at noon, I'd have gotten waxed, and I would have called Gavin first.


• Secondly, get your dog out of my flower bed. I would like my shrubs to remain ALIVE. I know, huh?... novel thought- buying plants and wanting them to survive and not be trampled by your giant dog's paws. And as much as I love re spreading the wood chips that your dog has just dug and sprayed all over my lawn, I think I'd rather go fold a load of laundry...or iron a batch of Gavin's enormous dress shirts.


• When it comes to food- HELL-O, get your dog outta here. I think that I would rather rub my food on the street and eat it, than eat around a dog. Who ever said that a dog's mouth was cleaner than a humans was obviously one of those dog owners who believes their dog is a human. Just because he's not licking his butt, like my cat, does not mean he's swishing with Listerine. Oh, and I see where his nose and mouth are when he meets a new dog, so you're not fooling me.


• Next, I don't care how much your dog likes me...I do not want to be licked by him. Yes, that is great that he's friendly, but you know I SHOWERED TODAY for crying out loud, and now I smell worse than the three day B.O. I just showered off. And same goes for my kids. I am sure your dog's worm medicine is working just dandy, but I don't think they have a vaccine for that at my kids pediatrician's office, so if it's all the same, just keep your dog's tongue in his mouth please?


• Barking- If there is a murderer in the neighborhood- go right ahead. But if you bark one more time at that damned mail man I am going to strangle you. My baby is asleep you giant bag of fur.


• Jumping up on me...yeah- you see this outfit that I am wearing?...that is just what it was missing...your lame dog's muddy prints smeared all over the front. Cause that shirt that I just changed out of...the one that had Garrett's lunch ground in all over my shoulders...yeah, that wasn't nearly as fun to wear as this will be.


• Hump me and you are dead. Really. If I am not putting out for my husband tonight, there is no way my leg is giving you any action.

So I am a phony...in the closet. Acting like I like my friend's dogs, but inside wondering how much one of those deafening ear-piercing-whistles cost. Cause that could be fun to blow when I am being jumped or humped. I play the part in large part because my daughter loves dogs. And I have said this before...there is not a word in the English language to describe the intensely passionate feelings she has for all dogs. I would say that fifty percent of EVERY daily conversation with her has something to do with dogs. "Did I know that huskies rescue people?" "When Garrett gets old and dies can we get a little dog?" "Did I know that collies can help people read?" "Do I like regular Chihuahuas or long-haired ones better?" "When we get our dog will it sleep with her every night?" "Do I think we can get a Great Dane because they like to lay around and don't need big yards?"... and gobs and gobs of other incredibly fascinating dog facts that I nod and act astonished upon hearing, when in reality I really just hear "dog..blah..blah..dog...poop...slobber...dog..blah...blah."

I know, I know...all this abject hatred for canines, and we are getting one...soon. I mean the breeder has three hundred bucks of our money that is non-refundable, so we are committed. I keep pushing it back. Keep calling the breeder and telling her will skip on this litter and wait for the next one. And then I tell her that I'll pay her extra to keep the dog for a few more months to train her and get the biting/peeing-herself phase over with.

So, what the Hell am I going to do? This is like a child-hater getting pregnant. But then again, that happened to me too. I didn't really like kids....and then what-da-ya-know, I end up loving my own. So, maybe I will learn to love our dog because of course she won't be like other dogs. She won't hump you, or lick you, or jump on you, or bark, or beg, or crap on your lawn. She'll be special, and well behaved, and darling, and act like a human...like a member of our family. :)

Oh, and if I see you and your dog, and I act like I really like your dog...I do. It's not your dog, it's the other people's.