Friday, April 24, 2009

I woke up so sad. Isn't that weird that you can wake up sad? But I was. And then, after a few minutes I realized that it wasn't true. Gavin was fine. In my dream he had died, and I was SO sad. I had this new little baby, and the two "big" kids, and I can't remember all the details, but I was beside myself. My Mom was comforting me...

My heart began to beat again, once I realized it was just a dream. And then I realized the reason I probably had this dream- Kara. She is the widow of my old friend Hutch. Just before bed, I had found a Mimi Maternity gift certificate, in my wallet, that I had never used. And seeing as I would not be needing any stylish maternity duds ever again, Kara came to mind. She's the only person that I know who is pregnant right now (I think...I mean she could have had the baby in the last few days. I need to check on that!) So I thought, I am going to give it to Kara. And when I think about Kara, I think about Hutch. And when I think about Hutch, I think about this new baby of his, who is about to enter this world, and missing will be her dad Hutch....and that breaks my heart. As it does Kara's, who is the strongest person that I know. The strength...not sure where she gets it. I almost can't type this, it is so painful. I love Kara. I really do. I could go on and on about the eerie similarities in our lives; from our pregnancies, to our families, to our outlook on life. And so this little, petite, beautiful mother has to welcome Lola Hutch Henrie in to the world, broken-hearted that Hutch is not there by her side when it happens. And so, these were the thoughts that I fell asleep to. So, it's no wonder that my dreams would weave her story in to mine.

But I got to wake up.

So, I am grateful that Gavin is alive...sounds quite corny, but I am so grateful. The relief that swept over me- the knot that began to unravel in my stomach, once I realized that I still had my partner with me- was enormous.
I still ache for Kara.

I bet her dreams are filled with Hutch, and waking up is the agonizing part.

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